Owner's Guide and Maintenence Manual
by Berserker Nightwitch
Summary: Have you ever wondered how to take proper care of your Weiss Kreuz models? Wonder no more! This guide will tell you all you need to know about their care and abilities! Farfarello now added!
1. Ran Fujimiya

CONGRATULATIONS!  
  
You are now the proud owner of a Fujimiya Ran assassin!  
  
INSTALLATION:  
  
When you receive your RAN, remove him from his trench coat by undoing all snaps, buckles, and buttons. All other garments may be left on at this time.  
  
Your RAN should be delivered fully assembled and charged. Check that he has all of his accessories (see ACCESSORIES below). Please check to make sure you have received the model you have requested.  
  
FUJIMIYA RAN (copyright Koyasu Takehito, 1998)  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:  
  
Name: Fujimiya Ran (aka Fujimiya Aya, Abyssinian)  
  
Type: Human (male)  
  
Site of Manufacture: Koneko no Sumi Ie, Tokyo  
  
Height: 178cm (5'9")  
  
Color: Red hair, Violet eyes  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your RAN has been created to be helpful and efficient. He is voice activated by use of clear English or Japanese.  
  
Please remember that you RAN has many uses around the home and garden. For example:  
  
Child-Minding:  
  
Tell your RAN that your children are his younger siblings, and he will protect them with his life.  
  
Story-Telling:  
  
Your RAN's favorite hobby is to read, so leave him with a book and tell him to read to your children. It will keep them all busy for hours. (Or until your children get bored)  
  
Gardening:  
  
The RAN comes with a vast knowledge and skill in flower arrangements and care. Let him lose in your garden and watch it grow.  
  
Task Giving/Taking:  
  
Due to his training as an assassin, your RAN is able to give and receive orders without questioning. Beware of politicians with white side-burns. Your RAN may try to kill him.  
  
***CAUTION***  
  
Your RAN is a FULLY functional male and is therefore capable of providing you with other services. He may argue with you, but if you bribe him with money, he will do anything. However, you may become low on funds, and your married may be ruined. Use with caution.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your RAN has three settings of interaction with other models:  
  
Hostile  
  
Friendly  
  
Slash  
  
Your Ran's default setting is Hostile, but he will gradually warm up to other models in the Weiss line. He will eventually accept the NAGI model from the Schwarz line, but that will take time.  
  
*** WARNING ***  
  
It is imperative that both of your models be set to the same interaction mode. If your RAN is set to 'Hostile' or 'Friendly' and any other Weiss model is set to 'Slash', your other model will be fatally damaged. If the model set to 'Slash' is Schwarz, your RAN may try to mortally wound himself.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
The items with which your RAN comes with are as follows:  
  
Assassin Gear: Black trench coat, Black, sleeveless turtleneck, black pants, black boots  
  
Everyday Wear: Orange turtleneck, jeans, black boots  
  
Always: Gold earring in his left ear  
  
Weapon: Katana  
  
To make your RAN more portable, you may allow him to purchase a silver Porsche.  
  
CLEANING:  
  
To clean your RAN, point him to the nearest bathroom with a shower. You may wish to, but it is not necessary to join and 'help' him get clean.  
  
RECHARGING:  
  
You must feed and water your RAN every day. He will eat anything you are eating, so this makes the task easier.  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The RAN may be reprogrammed with the 'Weiss Kreuz Gluhen' program. Please note that not long after he is reprogrammed, your RAN will revert back to his normal self.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
Due to the popularity of the RAN, it is necessary for you to take notice of the following security procedures for the protection of your assassin.  
  
~ Have your RAN micro-chipped. Choose a service engineer who is experienced in the handling of assassins to undertake this procedure.  
  
~ Do not leave your RAN unattended in public.  
  
~ Do not lend your RAN to ** anyone **, even for a day.  
  
~ Do not leave your RAN in the car in view of passers by.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Can I take my RAN on vacation with me?  
  
A: Of course, but keep a close eye on him in political settings, Germany, Ireland, or (if you are not from there) America, as he will try to run off and kill 'Takatori' or SCHWARZ models.  
  
Q: Can I purchase a second RAN?  
  
A: Unfortunately, no. There is a strict ration of one RAN per household. That ration goes for all of the Weiss and Schwarz models: One per customer.  
  
Q: Where should I keep my RAN when he is not in use? A: If your RAN does not have a Weiss or Schwarz companion, store him in the hospital room of a comatose young girl in his Everyday clothes. If he does have a Weiss or Schwarz companion, store them both (all) in a room.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your RAN attacks any and all politicians, and is intent on killing them.  
  
Solution: This is called 'Takatori Syndrome'. The best cure is to purchase a TAKATORI REIJI model and let your RAN attack him.  
  
Problem: Your RAN is moody, unresponsive, and ignores everyone around him.  
  
Solution: This is typical behavior of a RAN set to 'Hostile'. Adjust his setting to the mode you prefer.  
  
Problem: Your RAN has a tendency to throw his katana at helicopters.  
  
Solution: This is another symptom of 'Takatori Syndrome'. See above.  
  
Problem: Your RAN is very out-going, smiles flirtatiously, and tires to get a date with all of you pretty female friends over the age of eighteen.  
  
Solution: You have been accidentally issued a KUDOU YOHJI instead of a FUJIMIYA RAN. If you still have the receipt you can trade him in. If not, the only hope is to buy a RAN and try to keep them from attacking each other.  
  
Problem: Your spouse has become unnaturally quiet and withdrawn. He or she may have even threatened your RAN's life.  
  
Solution: Ask yourself if you have been spending too much time with your RAN. Have you been forgetting your spouse? If not, you may need to have a talk with your spouse about his or her feelings toward your RAN, and tell your RAN that it is not acceptable to scream "SHI-NE (enter spouse's name here)"  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
For the best results with your RAN, you may feel the need to purchase a FUJIMIYA AYA. Please note that it will only cause confusion to upgrade your RAN to Gluhen, and not your AYA. However, upgrading the AYA and not the RAN might make him more willing to open up and become almost sociable. 


	2. Yohji Kudou

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!  
  
You are now a proud owner of a KUDOU YOHJI!!  
  
Heed the following guidelines and your YOHJI will give you mediocre performance for as long as he finds it enjoyable!  
  
INSTALLATION:  
  
When your YOHJI arrives, unwrap him from his blue coat by pulling downward on the zipper in the front. Your YOHJI should arrive completely assembled and charged. Please check for all of his accessories (see below).  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:  
  
Name: Kudou Yohji (a.k.a. Yotan, Balinese)  
  
Type: Human (male)  
  
Site of Manufacture: Koneko no Sumi Ie, Tokyo  
  
Height: 182cm (6')  
  
Color: Blond hair, green eyes  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your YOHJI has been assembled to be helpful and efficient. He is voice activated by use of clear English or Japanese.  
  
Please remember that your YOHJI has many uses around the home and garden. For example:  
  
Entertainment:  
  
Whenever you have a guest over (particularly females), just send your YOHJI in and they will be kept busy for hours. ***Special Note*** Less chance of success with male guests unless your YOHJI is set to 'Slash'.  
  
Gardening:  
  
Your YOHJI is an adequate gardener. He is not as skilled in botany as the RAN, KEN, and OMI models, but he can still keep your plants from dying.  
  
Fashion Consultant:  
  
Your YOHJI comes fully equipped with extensive knowledge of fashion and clothes. If your children are going to a party or a school function, he can help. Do you have a dinner party to attend and don't know what to wear? Just set your YOHJI free in your closet and in no time he'll have the perfect outfit for you.  
  
***CAUTION*** Your YOHJI is a FULLY functioning pervert. If he is not kept active, he will either come home with a girl (or two), or go to her house for the night. Be prepared for complaints of hangovers and an unwillingness to wake up in the mornings (or afternoons).  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your YOHJI has four settings of interaction with other models:  
  
Tease  
  
Friendly  
  
Drunk  
  
Slash  
  
Your YOHJI's default setting is 'Tease', but he will eventually give up on this if he doesn't receive the desired results. He will become friendly with most other models if they let him. He usually stays in 'Tease' mode with the RAN model.  
  
*** WARNING ***  
  
It is imperative that both of your models be set to the same interaction mode. If your YOHJI is set to 'Slash', none of your other models (or your male friends) will be safe from him.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
The items your YOHJI is delivered with are as follows:  
  
Assassin Gear: Long blue coat with white cross on each sleeve, gloves, dark pants, boots  
  
Everyday Wear: Cropped shirts of various colors, low-riding pants, boots  
  
Always: Sunglasses, watch, cigarettes  
  
Weapon: Wire that comes out of his watch  
  
To make your YOHJI more portable, you may allow him to purchase an SUV-type vehicle.  
  
CLEANING:  
  
To clean your YOHJI, show him to the nearest bathroom with a shower. He may ask you to join him, but that is not necessary.  
  
RECHARGING:  
  
You must feed and water your YOHJI every day. He will eat anything you are eating, so this makes the task easier. He seems to have a fondness for Cheerios.  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The YOHJI may be reprogrammed with the 'Weiss Kreuz Gluhen' program. After reprogramming, he cuts his hair short, learns to draw, and seems to have a preference towards light purple turtlenecks.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
As with the RAN model, the YOHJI is popular. Follow the instructions for the RAN model with your YOHJI and all other models.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Can I take my YOHJI on vacation with me?  
  
A: Absolutely. The only problem with taking a YOHJI on vacation will be saying goodbye to his various different girlfriends.  
  
Q: Can I purchase a second YOHJI?  
  
A: As with the RAN model, and all other models, there can only be ONE YOHJI in a household.  
  
Q: My YOHJI has been caught dating two or three different women at a time. When asked about it, he gave the explanation that he wasn't dating them both yet. A: This is a classic problem with the YOHJI. There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do.  
  
Q: My YOHJI has been dating girls seventeen and younger. Is this a problem?  
  
A: YES! Your YOHJI should not be dating anyone under eighteen. Please send him back and request either a new YOHJI, or your money back. DO NOT keep the malfunctioning YOHJI!  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your YOHJI has been caught dating two or three different women at a time. When asked about it, he gives the explanation that he wasn't dating them both yet. Solution: This is a classic problem with the YOHJI. There is, unfortunately, nothing you can do.  
  
Problem: Your YOHJI is moody, withdrawn, and screams 'Asuka' every-so- often.  
  
Solution: This is what our specialists refer to as 'Asuka Syndrome'. All you can do is have him kill a NEU model, and comfort him until he finishes grieving.  
  
Problem: Your YOHJI buys many cartons of cigarettes each day.  
  
Solution: This is a sign that you have received the correct model.  
  
Problem: Your YOHJI has become very interested in computers, and is worried about schoolwork.  
  
Solution: You have been issued a TSUKIYONO OMI. Now you have a dart- wielding chibi. What's the problem?  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
Your YOHJI is known for loving the nightlife, so for the best results, install a tracking system and let him go to clubs. For his safety, however, you may want to give him a 1:00 curfew.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: I hope you guys like it so far. Next up will be Ken. And yes, I do plan on doing all of Weiss and all of Schwarz. Thanks for all of the reviews. This could take a little time, but I promise I will get more chapters up. Don't give up on me!! ^^ 


	3. Ken Hidaka

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  
  
You are now the proud owner of a HIDAKA KEN! In order to keep your soccer- loving assassin performing at his top level, please follow the guidelines listed below.  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
Name: Hidaka Ken (a.k.a. Kenken, Siberian)  
  
Type: Humanf (male)  
  
Manufacturer: Koneko No Sume Ie (Koyasu Takehito)  
  
Height: 175 cm (5'8")  
  
Color: Brown hair, blue/brown/teal eyes  
  
INSTALLATION  
  
In order to help your KEN adjust gradually to life in your home, give him a room of his own with clothes all over the floor and everywhere else. Believe it or not, the tripping will make him feel more comfortable. If your KEN is reluctant to exit his shipping crate, bribe him with a soccer ball.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
The items with which your KEN comes with are as follows:  
  
Assassin Gear: Dark blue shirt, brown jacket, goggles, jeans, boots, orange sweatshirt  
  
Everyday Wear: T-shirt, jeans, sneakers  
  
Weapon: Bugnuks  
  
To make your KEN more mobile, you may permit him to buy a motorcycle.  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your KEN has been created to be helpful and efficient. He is voice activated by use of clear English or Japanese.  
  
Please remember that your KEN has many uses around the household and garden. For example:  
  
Child-Minding:  
  
Your KEN has been programmed to love children, and to be good with them. If you want to go out for awhile, just leave your children with KEN, and when you get back, they will be happy and ready for those naps they never want to take.  
  
Botany:  
  
As with all of the Weiss models, the KEN comes with extensive knowledge of the care and growth of plants. He can also arrange a nice bouquet for any occasion.  
  
Kitchen-Duty:  
  
Your KEN may or may not be able to cook, it is as of yet a possible feature that only some KENs are equipped with. However, if you have any large vegetable you need chopped, give him his bugnuks and let him go.  
  
Soccer Coach:  
  
Your KEN enjoys both playing and coaching soccer. He prefers the goalie position, but will be willing to stand on the sidelines and help the neighborhood kids play.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your KEN has three settings of interaction with other models:  
  
Argumentative  
  
Friendly  
  
Slash  
  
Your KEN's default setting is Friendly, but he can switch to Argumentative when someone doesn't agree with him or accuses someone he trusts. The KEN can be either aggressive or submissive when set to Slash mode. It all depends on his partner and what fanfics you've been reading to him.  
  
CLEANING:  
  
All of the Weiss models can be cleaned the same way. See RAN or YOHJI.  
  
RECHARGING:  
  
You must feed and water your KEN every day. See 'RAN'.  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The KEN may be reprogrammed with the 'Weiss Kreuz Gluhen' program. Please note that the Gluhen version of your KEN will be more than slightly insane, and enjoys killing people. Use caution.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
See 'RAN'.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Can I take my KEN on vacation with me?  
  
A: Yes, but he would prefer somewhere with open space so that he can play soccer.  
  
Q: Is it okay to let my KEN play sports?  
  
A: Absolutely! If you don't let your KEN play soccer, he may start to rebel.  
  
Q: I have a RAN and a KEN, and my KEN is always covered in cuts and bruises. What's going on? A: Simple. If your KEN is set to Slash, and your RAN is set to anything else (or if your RAN and KEN both want to be Seme) then your RAN is attacking your KEN to get the point across. You must make sure they are both set to the same mode.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your KEN is moping and stares out the window all day.  
  
Solution: This is to be expected. After all, he DID just have to kill his best friend.  
  
Problem: Your KEN trips over everything, is loud, and usually is forgetful.  
  
Solution: Not to worry! This is typical behavior of a well-working KEN.  
  
Problem: Your KEN has a tendency to attack all newcomers to your house.  
  
Solution: This is his way of 'welcoming' guests to your home. Try talking to him. If that doesn't work, take away his bugnuks.  
  
Problem: Your KEN has been following around a motorcycle-loving girl and even wants to follow her to Australia.  
  
Solution: Tell her it's for her own good that he stays away from her. Then send your YOHJI after him to get the point across. If that doesn't work, lock him in a closet until after the plane leaves.  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
Your KEN is happiest playing soccer or with children. Feel free to let him do both. If he runs away, don't worry, as soon as your YOHJI goes after him, he'll be back! 


	4. Omi Tsukiyono

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  
  
You are now one of the many to own your very own TSUKIYONO OMI! To keep your genki dart-wielder in top working order, please follow the instructions listed below.  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
Name: Tsukiyono Omi (a.k.a. Takatori Mamoru, Omittchi, Chibi, Bombay)  
  
Type: Human (male)  
  
Manufacturer: Koneko No Sume Ie (Koyasu Takehito)  
  
Height: 163 cm (5'4")  
  
Color: Light Brown hair, blue eyes  
  
INSTALLATION  
  
To help your OMI adjust to your home, put the crate in your computer room before opening it. As soon as he sees the computer, your OMI will feel right at home.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
The items with which your OMI comes with are as follows:  
  
Assassin Gear: Dark blue shirt, blue jacket, goggles, shorts, red sneakers, bandana/hat  
  
Everyday Wear: T-shirt, shorts, sneakers  
  
Weapon: Darts, crossbow  
  
If you wish to make your Omi more portable, feel free to purchase a motorcycle for him. He and the KEN model have different types of bikes, so don't confuse the two.  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your OMI has been created to be helpful and efficient. He is voice activated by use of clear English or Japanese.  
  
Please remember that your OMI has many uses around the household and garden. For example:  
  
Child-Minding:  
  
Your OMI may not be as good with children as the KEN is, but he is able to make them feel more comfortable. He also has a knack for getting information out of them, so if you feel they are lying to you, leave them alone in a room with your OMI and they will tell him the truth in no time.  
  
Botany:  
  
As with all of the Weiss models, the OMI comes with extensive knowledge of the care and growth of plants. He can also arrange a nice bouquet for any occasion. He seems to have a special knack for wreaths, though.  
  
House-Keeper:  
  
Your OMI can be an obsessive cleaner (proved by his computer desk, he spends hours there and it is always spotless). If you have something you want him to do involving housework, just promise him more time online.  
  
Tutor:  
  
Your OMI is exceptionally smart and good at schoolwork. If you or your children are having problems, go to your OMI and ask him to explain it to you. He may become frustrated when you don't understand, but he will calm down and help.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your OMI has two settings of interaction with other models:  
  
Friendly  
  
Slash  
  
Your OMI's default setting is Friendly. He will stay in 'Friendly' until you reprogram him yourself.  
  
CLEANING:  
  
All of the Weiss models can be cleaned the same way. See RAN.  
  
RECHARGING:  
  
You must feed and water your OMI every day. See 'RAN'.  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The OMI may be reprogrammed with the 'Weiss Kreuz Gluhen' program. Keep in mind that he has taken on even more responsibilities now that he is the Persia. He will be very busy, and will spend a large majority of his time with his grandfather.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
See 'RAN'.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Can I take my OMI with me when I travel?  
  
A: Yes, he is programmed to be mature and well-behaved even while travelling. If you're in a plane, though, he and the KEN model may decide to dress as stewardesses. Don't worry, they will eventually grow out of it.  
  
Q: Is it alright to let my OMI accompany my children to school?  
  
A: Only if you plan to let him stay there. He seems to enjoy going to school.  
  
Q: My OMI wants to die his hair a strange gray-ish color. Is that okay? A: That is perfectly alright. He is trying to let you know that he needs to be reprogrammed.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your OMI rarely smiles, and is not his happy self.  
  
Solution: This could be one of two things. Either he is upset about losing his sister, or you got the wrong model.  
  
Problem: Your OMI has a strange penchant for wearing girly shirts that open at his stomach.  
  
Solution: The original OMI seems to enjoy wearing those shirts. Let him wear them, just warn him about child-molesters.  
  
Problem: Your OMI has taken to singing random things starting with "Who am I?".  
  
Solution: Not to worry, he's just having an identity crisis. Tell him the truth, let him cry a few days, and everything will be all right.  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
Your OMI will naturally feel most comfortable around the computer. So long as you don't mind a high electric bill, let him have fun! 


	5. Brad Crawford

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  
  
You are now the proud owner of a Brad Crawford. To keep your clairvoyant assassin in top working shape, follow the instructions and guidelines listed below.  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
Name: Bradley Crawford (AKA Brad, Braddie, Crawford, Oracle)  
  
Type: Human (male) - Psychic  
  
Manufacturer: Koneko No Sume Ie (Koyasu Takehito)  
  
Color: Black hair, brown eyes  
  
INSTALLATION  
  
To help your BRAD adjust to your home, leave his shipping crate in a room with a TV and a few newspapers. This will work even better if the TV is turned to the news or stocks.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
Your BRAD comes complete with the following:  
  
Pale cream-colored Armani suit, glasses, light blue/purple dress shirt, glasses, dress shoes  
  
Weapon: Gun  
  
Your BRAD also has a psychic power to see the future. If you wish to make him more travel-convenient, you may decide to purchase a helicopter, the BRAD's preferred form of transportation.  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your BRAD has been created to help you around your house and home. He is voice activated by use of clear English or Japanese, though other languages may be known to him. His uses include, but are not limited to:  
  
Child-Minding:  
  
The BRAD has the psychic power of the ability to see into the future, thereby making him the perfect babysitter. He may not care overly much, but with the right amount of money, he will keep your children in line.  
  
Tutor:  
  
Your BRAD is known to be intelligent, if emotionally impaired. He can help you with those tricky math and language problems, but there may be a price.  
  
Financial Agent:  
  
BRADs are known for their way with money and stocks. If you are having financial problems, buy a Brad, and he will solve all of your problems shortly (or not, depending on what other models you have).  
  
Bodyguard:  
  
Your BRAD has extensive training in protecting the people he is 'assigned' to. He may not lay down his life for someone, but he will do anything short of that.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your BRAD has four modes of interaction with others:  
  
Superiority  
  
Colleague  
  
Employee  
  
Slash  
  
Your BRAD's default setting is Superiority, but he can be set to others, depending on how you want him to interact with the other models. If you'll notice, the BRAD does not have a Friendly setting. This is because there has yet to be a friendly BRAD CRAWFORD. Some models (the defective ones) are capable of being friendly, but those models are taken in for study.  
  
CLEANING:  
  
The Schwarz models are cleaned and recharged the same way Weiss models are. See RAN.  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
Your BRAD can be reprogrammed using the Gluhen program, but he will change drastically. He will look very much like a groomed Treize from Gundam Wing. He will also get along better with the SCHULDICH and NAGI models, but he does not stay around people very long.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
See 'RAN'.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Can I take my BRAD with me when I travel?  
  
A: Yes, the BRAD has been programmed to be well-behaved while travelling, though he is known to request alcohol or an alcoholic beverage while travelling.  
  
Q: Is it okay for my BRAD to be left alone with my Weiss models?  
  
A: Usually not. The BRAD has a severe problem with beating the crap out of the RAN model. He will probably get along with the others, though.  
  
Q: My BRAD never smiles, unless he's angry. Is this normal? A: Yes, that is just the way the BRAD is programmed. He has been accused by other models as being humorless or having a stick up his butt.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your BRAD smiles and makes crude jokes about everything.  
  
Solution: Check his identification number. It sounds like you have been issued either a YOHJI, or a SCHULDICH.  
  
Problem: Your BRAD has taken to wearing only one lens for his glasses.  
  
Solution: This is a sign that your BRAD wants to be reprogrammed. As a Gluhen model, he wears a monocle, not glasses..  
  
Problem: Your BRAD has a speech or language problem that makes him unable to say 'Mister' in any language but English.  
  
Solution: This is not much of a problem. It has confused scientists and fangirls (and fanboys) alike for many years as to why no matter how fluently he speaks the language BRAD still says 'Mister' in English.  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
Bear in mind that, despite his serious and business-like nature, your BRAD is a fully functioning twenty-seven year-old male. This may cause problems in any stable relationship (and especially an unstable one) so please use with caution. 


	6. Schuldich

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!  
  
You are now a proud owner of a SCHULDICH  
  
Follow the guidelines listed below and your SCHULDICH will give you decent service until he gets bored.  
  
INSTALLATION:  
  
When your SCHULDICH arrives, unwrap him by removing the green jacket he is wearing. He should come fully assembled. Please check for all of his accessories (see below).  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:  
  
Name: Schuldich (a.k.a. Schu, Schu-Schu, Mastermind)  
  
Type: Male psychic (telepath)  
  
Site of Manufacture: Koneko no Sumi Ie, Tokyo  
  
Height: 180 cm  
  
Color: Orange hair, green eyes  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your SCHULDICH has been built to be friendly and perverted, and slightly sadistic. He is voice activated by use of clear English, Japanese, or German.  
  
Your SCHULDICH has many uses around the home. Some include:  
  
Entertainment:  
  
The SCHULDICH, much like the YOHJI, is wonderful for taking care of any female guests you have. His entertainment value is best when someone you dislike has come over. If there is anyone you don't like, just let the SCHULDICH mess with his or her head.  
  
Fashion Consultant:  
  
Your SCHULDICH has a unique fashion sense that will catch the eye wherever he goes.  
  
Child Minding:  
  
SCHULDICH may not be fond of children, but when he tells them to do something, they will obey without question. ***Special Note*** Keep SCHULDICH and guns separate when children are involved.  
  
***CAUTION*** Your SCHULDICH is a FULLY functioning telepathic pervert. Be prepared for any form of come-on attempt. If you have a YOHJI, this will make it doubly difficult.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your SCHULDICH has four settings of interaction with other models:  
  
Annoying/Rude  
  
Obeisant (only for authority figures like owners or CRAWFORD model)  
  
Drunk  
  
Slash  
  
Your SCHULDICH's default setting is 'Annoying/Rude', but he can be reprogrammed at any time. His Obeisant mode is used only for BRADLEY CRAWFORD or you, his owner. He cannot be programmed for it.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
The items your SCHULDICH is delivered with are as follows:  
  
Everyday Wear: Yellow headband, Green jacket, white pants, blue T-shirt, black boots  
  
Extras: Sunglasses, cigarette  
  
Weapon: His mind or a gun  
  
CLEANING/RECHARGING:  
  
See RAN  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The SCHULDICH may be reprogrammed with the 'Weiss Kreuz Gluhen' program. After reprogramming, he will comb his hair, start wearing a (neat) hat, yellow shirt, brown pants with suspenders, and soft boots. He looks much nicer and well-kept in the 'Gluhen' mode.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
See RAN.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Is there anything I can do to make my SCHULDICH obey me?  
  
A: Yes, but it would involve a large investment. It has been discovered that the SCHULDICH will obey when threatened with a golf club.  
  
Q: Can I take my SCHULDICH on vacation with me?  
  
A: It is not recommended for anyone who does not feel right putting him in a dog carrier. If you leave him free for traveling, he will attack almost anything. Sedatives should be kept handy.  
  
Q: Does the SCHULDICH come with any weapon besides his mind and gun? A: There is some speculation that his mouth can be used as a weapon as well, considering it never stops, and his voice has been known to annoy some to the point of murder.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your SCHULDICH has been seen drinking tea and reading the newspaper while talking calmly about world destruction. Solution: You have somehow been issued an Esset member. If you do not want it, please send it back.  
  
Problem: Your SCHULDICH gives you no end of trouble and back talk whenever you say anything to him.  
  
Solution: This is a classic sign of a functional SCHULDICH. Not to worry, find him a 'mate' and he will be at least momentarily happy.  
  
Problem: Your SCHULDICH is obsessed with computers and levitating objects.  
  
Solution: You have been issued a NAOE NAGI. So you have a telekinetic chibi. What's the problem?  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
The SCHULDICH has been known to get temperamental about his name. Unless specifically allowed by your SCHULDICH, do not use any nicknames and everything will be fine.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: I hope you guys like it so far. Next up will be Farfarello. Sorry it's taken so long to get these up, but I have a lot to do nowadays. Be patient and I'll eventually have all eight bishie assassins! ^^ 


	7. Farfarello Jei

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!  
  
You are now a proud owner of a FARFARELLO!!!  
  
If you follow the simple guides listed below, you and your FARFARELLO can have many interesting years together.  
  
INSTALLATION:  
  
When your FARFARELLO arrives, he may not be willing to come out. You may use any religious symbol to lure him out of his shipping crate. To unwrap him, simply remove the straitjacket and let him loose. Check to make sure he has arrived with all of his accessories.  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:  
  
Name: Farfarello (a.k.a. Farf, Farfie, Berserker)  
  
Type: Male psychic (can feel no pain)  
  
Site of Manufacture: Koneko no Sumi Ie, Tokyo  
  
Height: 185 cm  
  
Color: White hair, pale skin, and yellow eyes  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your FARFARELLO has been manufactured to be insane, sadistic, and masochistic, but can be controlled - somewhat - by clear use of English, Japanese, or Irish.  
  
Your FARFARELLO has many uses around the home, such as:  
  
Entertainment:  
  
The FARFARELLO is perfect for entertaining any unwanted guests. Tell him that they are innocent or pure, and you will never have to worry about them again. (Note: You may need to have your backyard enlarged due to the amount of bodies that you will need to hide)  
  
Pin Cushion:  
  
That's right, your FARFARELLO, due to the fact that he can feel no pain whatsoever, can be a substitute pincushion to hold all needles, knives, forks, spears, etc.  
  
Child Minding:  
  
On second thought, don't let your children anywhere near the FARFARELLO.  
  
Bodyguard:  
  
With the right incentive (promises of a larger knife collection, any of the LOTR swords, or anything else sharp and pointy) your FARFARELLO will guard you to your enemy's dying breath. At that point, he'll be too engrossed with the blood to pay much attention to you.  
  
***CAUTION*** Your FARFARELLO is an almost-fully-functional male. He has a few quirks, but loves anything kinky. This may cause undue problems with a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or close friend.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your FARFARELLO has three modes of interaction with other models:  
  
Sadism  
  
Obeisant (only for the CRAWFORD model)  
  
Slash  
  
Bear in mind that FARFARELLO's Slash mode can be activated at the same time as his Sadism mode.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
The items your FARFARELLO is delivered with are as follows:  
  
Everyday Wear: Blue pants and vest, white bandages, earrings, eyepatch, black boots, black gloves  
  
Extras: MANY knives  
  
Weapon: See 'Extras'  
  
CLEANING/RECHARGING:  
  
See RAN  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The FARFARELLO may be reprogrammed with the 'Weiss Kreuz Glühen' program. In his Glühen mode, though, he will only appear as a thought of CRAWFORD.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
You should have no security issues with your FARFARELLO.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Is there anyone that my Farfarello will not attack?  
  
A: FARFARELLO seems to be reluctant to attack any of the other Schwarz models. He is also restrained by them.  
  
Q: Can I take my Farfarello on vacation with me?  
  
A: Only if you have a good lawyer. Or the CRAWFORD model.  
  
Q: Does Farfarello ever let go of his knives? A: Doubtful. He has yet to be seen (aside from when in the straitjacket) to ever let go of his knives. Even then it is not voluntary.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your FARFARELLO has been known to come home late covered in blood and rambling inanely. Solution: Not to worry, this is classic behavior of the FARFARELLO.  
  
Problem: Your FARFARELLO flinches everytime you announce that you want to go golfing.  
  
Solution: Unfortunately, your FARFARELLO has severe Takatoriphobia. After a traumatic incident with said politician, the FARFARELLO has been known to get nervous around golfers.  
  
Problem: Your FARFARELLO reacts badly to blood, i.e. screaming insanely when it gets on him, and fainting when he sees large amounts of it.  
  
Solution: There has been a problem in you FARFARELLO's programming. Send him back immediately and you will either get a replacement, or your money back.  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
Keep your FARFARELLO away from all churches, even if he claims his 'mother' works there.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: Second to last installment! The next chapter should be up MUCH quicker. Please don't kill me for taking so long with this one! 


	8. Nagi Naoe

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  
  
You are now the proud owner of a Naoe Nagi! In order to keep your telekinetic chibi in perfect working oder, follow the guidelines listed below.  
  
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
  
Name: Naoe Nagi (a.k.a. Nagster, Nagikins, Chibi, Naoe-kun)  
  
Type: Male psychic (telekinesis)  
  
Manufacturer: Koneko No Sume Ie (Koyasu Takehito)  
  
Height: 160 cm  
  
Color: Brown hair, blue eyes  
  
INSTALLATION  
  
To help your NAGI adjust to life in your home, it would be best to open his crate in your office, possibly the same one housing your OMI. Let him have fun with the computer. If the bill gets too high, he'll just hack into the files of the company and erase everything he's done.  
  
ACCESSORIES:  
  
Your NAGI comes equipped with the following::  
  
Normal Gear: Dark blue shirt and pants, black shoes  
  
Weapon: His mind  
  
Some issues of the NAGI also come with Sakura petals floating around them. It is best to get those models a TOT companion model.  
  
OPERATING PROCEDURE:  
  
Your Nagi can be activated and instructed through clear use of Japanese and English. He also comes with many helpful abilities around the house and home. They are:  
  
Hacking:  
  
Your NAGI is an excellent hacker, rumored to be either equal to- or greater than OMI. He can get into anything.  
  
Homework Duties:  
  
If you or your children have trouble with homework, just call NAGI in. He is excellent at schoolwork..  
  
Nurse:  
  
Thanks to spending so much time in the Schwarz household, NAGI has learned to be an excellent nurse. He can tend any small (and some larger) cuts, burns, abrasions, or other injuries.  
  
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:  
  
Your NAGI has two modes of interaction with other models:  
  
Shy/Obeisant  
  
Slash  
  
Your NAGI's default setting is Shy/Obeisant, but he will - after much work - go into slash if necessary.  
  
CLEANING/RECHARGING:  
  
See RAN  
  
REPROGRAMMING:  
  
The NAGI may be reprogrammed via the Glühen upgrade program. He has the best chances of winning you affections as a Glühen model out of all your Schwarz models. He develops a more outgoing personality, and he looks like he could be related to TROWA BARTON from Gundam Wing AC.  
  
SECURITY:  
  
See 'RAN'.  
  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:  
  
Q: Can I take my NAGI on vacation with me?  
  
A: Yes, Nagi is the most portable and well-behaved of the Schwarz models.  
  
Q: Does the Nagi ever talk?  
  
A: Yes, but he prefers not to.  
  
Q: Why doesn't my Nagi have many friends? A: Most NAGIs are shy, anti-social creatures that like nothing more than being left alone with their computer. He probably does not have many friends because he will not open up to anyone.  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:  
  
Problem: Your NAGI seems apathetic to all things and rarely smiles..  
  
Solution: This is the normal personality of the NAGI.  
  
Problem: Your NAGI smiles often, watches Sakura petals, and has taken a liking to pink umbrellas and bunnies.  
  
Solution: He has fallen in love with the TOT companion model. Isn't it cute? Keep the CRAWFORD away from them. Either that, or you have a malfunctioning other model.  
  
Problem: Your NAGI has a craving for liver, asparagus, and sourcrout.  
  
Solution: He's either sick or pregnant. Send him back immediately!  
  
FINAL NOTE:  
  
Your NAGI is most content with his 'family' and computer. To save your house and furniture, just let him be.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: Okay, I'm finally done! I actually finished this about thirty minutes after the Farfarello one, but I'm a review hog and wanted to know what you thought about Farfie before posting this one. ^^ 


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